Agony | Self Portrait

in photography •  2 months ago 

Agony hb.jpg


Agony
Self Portrait
2011




This was me back in 2011. Confused, hurt, and melancholic but I have no idea why. I was just a hollow 14 year old who cries every night for unknown reasons. I thought it was normal and it was just my teenage hormones being shit but nah it wasn't. I was living with a blindfold on my eyes.

During these times, I found myself experimenting with photography. It's like I found my medicine by taking self portraits. Looking at myself in different emotions relieved me. It made me satisfied.



Madness and Creativity?

Artists are mostly depressed.

In a way, that is true.

One interesting study that I recently found is that there is a proven link between madness and creativity. Geniuses even on early days were also found to have depression and other mental disorders, and these illnesses pushed them to be creative in different ways. When the mind is disturbed, it will find its way to survive, even though we are unconscious about it. The brain knows it's not functioning well, so it will push itself harder to be able to make up with it being not functioning enough. This gives the writers, artists, and other creatives to have crazy ideas.

There's also this explanation that people who are mad think A LOT. That gave them a lot of ideas as well. I can relate to this. Most of my ideas aren't just a result of "eureka!' moment. These are the results of overthinking and me playing out scenarios in my head that I know will never happen. It had influenced my creativity a lot.

Having depression sucks, of course, but it doesn't always suck. I believe the reason why I chose the artist path is that I have found a way to battle it and using it to survive. Finding light in the dark.

Also, not all artists have this as well. One can be a creative without having an extreme mental disorder. It's just that most have it.

One interesting thing that I have also realized is that when I'm genuinely happy, I am not that creative at all. Random crazy ideas didn't pop up in my head. I was just happy and probably overwhelmed with lots of happy chemicals in my brain that it prevented me to think about things.

It sucks having to constantly battle it for sure, but at least I was able to produce these works. That one was a result of me being agonized without knowing it. I believe I used acrylic paint for the black 'tears' and eyeliners for my lips. Kinda sad to know that the sadness in that photograph was real. But I'm glad I found a way to manage it now. I chose the artist's path. The road less taken. :P

Hard but it is necessary for me to keep living.

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I wish I could up vote this multiple times. Great insight. I feel similar in certain aspects as well. When I am completely stressed out I find that I am much more creative. Art can be so many things for so many people. For me it is my natural xanax.

I appreciate you taking the time to write this out.

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I can see that in your art as well. Lines are so therapeutic and I can see it relaxes you. My post is not that scientifically explained but glad you enjoyed it. :D There are so many explanations on Youtube and you can check them out there if you want a more detailed explanation.

I hear you. In 2011, I was also 14, but I don't think I found my passion in photography yet. It was therapeutic, always an easy out when pressures mounted much too high. Grateful I did not suffer much pain as you have, but all the same, I understand how creativity is a strong outlet. I am convinced, though, that nothing else could bring me this kind of satisfaction. To that end, I feel blessed.

I'm happy you don't experience the same thing as mine, just take care of your mental health and don't ignore it cos once you catch an illness, you'll have it forever (until they find a cure). Glad you found your passion in photography as well. You are great at it. Take care :D

Damn those guys got sadness! Hope you are doing better nowadays ! :) <3

I am, thanks! :D Hope you are, too

good to hear that dear, I'm missing manila man my life there but I think we all have to move one sometimes. :)

Be happy that you found your passion, many people go through life never finding that spark and just basically do what they’re told until they die

Never knowing the beauty of doing what you want, being creative and Chasing a dream

True. Yeah, I am happy and grateful. Thanks :D


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Cool ... I like this dark photo... it looks sad but same time it looks cool :)
I hope you try more to make soon :)

Hello!

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Congratulations @hiddenblade, Keep up the great work!

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